thtzontaz

Dear word/ Dear Future Me,

It’s been a rough week… Midterms have kicked my ass, but I survived; even though it was the least difficult my French midterm I am sure, will be the lowest grade. I really need to step outside of my comfort zone and start trying to speak French or Kreole, because the locals try hard to speak to me in it because they assume I can speak it. Some weeks I skim through a lot of the readings because I can scan the pages forward and then scan them backwards and pick up key phrases and sentences, just enough to bullshit my way through answering whatever essay question is asked of me, however I cannot do that with French. But that also brings me to the guy I met last week, he’s like really good at picking up languages honestly. He and another guy I know can pick up languages so easily, I am grateful for the skill sets I have but they seem so one dimensional when I enter the international side of learning and working. But c’est la vie, and I will not harp on it because I need to remember to be positive lol.

OAN I did have a request for my diplomas and certifications from one job I applied for, which boosted my job search spirits quite a bit so I will be applying to a few more jobs in the coming days. When I say nothing humbles you more than a job hunt, I mean it. I am so sick of hearing “You have a great resume, but unfortunately we don’t have anything for your skillset at the moment” or “You have a diverse work history…”, I just wish they would say the brutal honest responses so I could know where to start readjusting or applying myself in specific areas. I was talking to my friends after Yoga yesterday and my friend said she took a sabbatical for a year and then it took 6 months of looking for a job before she found one, so I am going to look at it like one of two ways lol. Either 1) it’s only been 9 months and I am not consistent but more randomly sporadic in my job search because after all one must go for hikes and strolls to the beach in my new place of existence or 2) I’m actually being extra and I should enjoy the first year of not having a job, which means I have actually cheated myself out of peace of mind by looking too early HAHAHAHAHA. 

What’s meant to be will be, no sense of me stressing. School keeps me pretty busy any, and I think once I finish this degree, I will have more options so there’s that plus I feel like I want to do my Master’s in something that pulls me into social work or something. It has been nice, this journey of self-discovery but I often wonder what I would have been if it wasn’t for the teachers and friends that I had that pushed for me or with me to make something of myself despite how shitty my childhood was. 

Side note I was in the shower listening to a podcast the other night after the gym and I realized I had a shitty ass mother. Like she really did not teach me love, she taught me a lot of things but not that. Not even how to be loved, weird thing is I think my dad did a better job at it than her and that speaks volumes because our relationship was toxic for majority of the time, and I can say my mom contributed to that as well.

Welp, that enough for now. I still have another 60 something pages to read for African American History plus two assignments. 

-Taz